Snow Days

Since more snow has hit the ground last night till this morning, I started thinking about snow days. For those of you that don't know my mom is a teacher the northern West Virginia School districts cancel school a lot. Granted some of the back roads that have to be traveled a school bus shouldn't be on when it is 95 degrees out.. so I understand.

My digression leads to this: If school is cancelled (which Pittsburgh Public Schools are today), why do I have to come to work? I mean really aren't the roads just as dangerous for me as them? Granted, I don't have to stand out in the cold waiting for bus, but I do have to shovel my ass out, clean my car, slide across the Westinghouse bridge, drive through McKeesport who for whatever reason doesn't do shit to their roads and then drive in to the industrial park where the main road has never been plowed 1 time...

Awesome isn't it?

So I pose the question.. where is my fucking snow day!!!!!

It's official

February 26, 2007

I am officially divorced.

Hopefully I can take this as the first step in my life turning around and being happy... 2 years and 7 days later. Took a while but it's done and that is all that matters.

Disappointments abound

Just when I thought things were going to get better then turn for the worse. In the last 24 hours:

1. My refinance got denied because Duquesne Light is reporting against my credit 2x for 4 different things that were PAID. So now I can't refi for 2 months at least, which means I can pay off my lawyer and possibly the divorce settlement.
   
2. I didn't get the job at Vivisimo
3. I am still stuck at the hell hole and see no out in sight
4. SS is having a meeting today that is probably about her job, and that she might not have one next year
5. I am struggling financially, and b/c of the refi which would have fixed this, I might not be able to go to Mexico.

Fantastic isn't it?

The only GOOD thing that happened today is I signed the divorce papers, and also told her to stop using my last name.. the bitch doesn't deserve it. Hell, I had this refi ready 5 months ago but she wouldn't sign it.. now I can't even get it. Fucking awesome isn't it?

Fifteen questions to ask before the wedding

Since I commented on that article and since my divorce is wrapping up, what better time than to comment on this article found in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette

1. Do you fundamentally like your beloved as a person, is he/she "good people"?

English 101 is he good people?? #1 should be is she in Crazypause. That is all you need to know

2. Is he/she fundamentally a happy person with a positive attitude?

You might be BEFORE marriage but after.. well that all goes away

3. Is he/she someone you admire?

Yes I admire someone good in the sack.. wtf?

4. Does your beloved have values that you like?

What if she is Jewish and I am Catholic??

5. Do you and your beloved share similar values and outlooks on the world?

Honestly is this important? Why do you have to be the same person

6. Are you similar in age and occupation level?

Sugar Momma??? that is what I want

7. Do you think he/she is funny?

Well I agree with one

8. Are you willing to have and maintain a robust, healthy sex life with your partner? Can you freely and easily talk with your partner about sexual issues?

Word, will you give bj's after you are married, because usually that is when it stops.. forever.. unless you pay for it.. or get some m.f'in strange

9. What's your financial health and how will finances be handled in the marriage?

She will spend all of your money and if she doesn't you will have to spend it on her buying her diamonds that she hardly will wear

10. Do you want children? If so, how many? Who will be the primary caregiver?

Next question..

11. What happens when the infatuation dies? Will you still be willing to work at the marriage with your beloved?

This is the problem with marriage it is basically a 2nd job. I just want someone to hang out with, fuck, pay half the bills and buy me stuff

12. Do you have the philosophy that love is something that just happens or do you believe you have to work hard at making it happen?

Why is this important to know before the wedding. I hope you were in love before you went and got married... but there is always Vegas

13. If you're having a hard time making it happen, are you willing to consult with a pastor, rabbi, marriage counselor or seek other marriage education?

Counseling is a joke.. and what are they asking if you are having a hard time with? Getting it up? How is a rabbi going to help that?

14. If things aren't easy in the marriage for six months or a year, are you of the opinion that if it's hard, it's wrong?

UM whats wrong with it being hard? I mean it kinda is the key to getting it on

15. At what point do you think it's OK to throw in the towel?

This is probably the best question on this list. I personally think it is way to easy to walk away from a marriage today and Hollywood sets that trend.

So... not as funny as usual b/c I am once again in a terrible mood, but you know its something.

Crazypause ©

I have come up with a new word and from talking to my interns today I think it needs to be shared with the world (i.e. the 1.5 people that read this blog).

crazypause (noun) cra - zy - pause [/ˈkreɪzi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciationkrey-zee-pawz] :

The period of time after college graduation and before menopause for females where they act absolutely crazy.


So I have pretty much experienced the craziness with almost every woman I have met. Some generally agree that they are but most deny it. My male friends do agree with this statement and my interns today do also.

Unfortunately I'm in a crappy mood today so I can't add my general musings to the definition.. I will add more when I am in a better mood.

Back at it..

So I am back to work hell today. I took a couple of mental health days because honestly I can not stand it. Today is supposed to be the day that we were getting our raise information that is now 8 months late. Well, once again we were lied to because there are still 5 of us that haven't even gotten a review yet so there is no way we are getting our $$. I really want to get this money b/c it is supposed to be retroactive which will be a real nice infusion of money. But as usual this place sucks.

I got a lot done during the time off though: laundry (finally) bills etc. My laundry room doesn't have heat so the pipes were frozen. We got a pretty nasty snow fall the past couple days: 6 inches, then .5 inches of freezing rain, then another 2 of snow.. it was fantastic.

I still haven't heard back from Vivisimo about the exam.. starting to think that it isn't going to happen. I think that is the one thing I do need to happen to turn it around.. get out of here. That would hopefully make me much happier.

I actually avoided Viva Pinata for the first time in like 6 days. It has become an addiction.

V-day has come and gone ... I really am not a big fan anyhow so no complaints from me.

I guess today is following my blog title of Random Thoughts... that is about I have for the day.

It is f'ing cold. Bring on spring.

Wake Up Feeling Great With These 22 Tips for High Self-Esteem

So I pretty much have 0 self esteem.. and honestly I don't know if this below is good to follow but what the hell, I am gonna post it anyhow. I think I will add my take on them also.

Via the ririan project

1. Stop comparing yourself with other people.

Human beings can amplify or reduce their value by contrasting themselves either positively or negatively with others. But if you play the comparison game, you’ll run into too many “opponents” you can’t defeat. There will always be some people who have more than you and some who have less. So stop comparing!

Bryan says: um... right. So when I go in for my raise or a new job don't you almost have to compare yourself to someone? Plus isn't it fun to know you are better than someone? no? (-1)

2. Stop the critic inside of you.

Some people have a bad habit of putting themselves down often. They say negative things to themselves like, “I’m always late. Why am I such a flake?” or “There you go again, stupid!” So get in the new habit of catching yourself saying critical things about yourself and learn to silence your inner critic. And if this is unavoidable, at least tone down the level of your criticism.

Bryan says: RIGHT.. this is as likely to happen as me getting a threesome or stop drinking Captain. There are some things that just will never happen. (-1)

3. Forgive and forget.

Do not waste your time and energy thinking of past hurts. Your time can be wisely spent for other productive things rather than forlorn thoughts. We make mistakes, even when we’re trying our best. Sometimes you just have to apologize, let it go and move on.

Bryan says: Ok so I am just supposed to forget about the bad things that have happened to me and just jump right in and get squashed. Sure ... (-2)

4. Associate with positive, supportive people.

The “real you” is a magnificent, unique being with enormous potential and capacity for experiencing love of yourself and extending love to others. So keep your interest in life at a high level by being in the company of enthusiastic people. This way, you will get infected by their positive attitude. You will view the world in its full shining glory and move around oozing with energy. In the same manner, it would be wise to stay away from negatively inclined thinkers. When you are surrounded by negative people who constantly put you and your ideas down, your self-esteem is lowered.

Bryan says: these people exist?? WHERE?? (-1)

5. Get involved in work and activities you love.

It’s hard to feel good about yourself if your days are spent in work you hate. Self-esteem flourishes when you are engaged in work and activities that you enjoy and make you feel valuable. And even if you’re not in a position to make immediate changes in your career, you can still devote some of your leisure time to enjoyable hobbies or activities.

Bryan says: HA! See now I agree with this 100% ... but finding a job is another story. I do follow the leisure time by doing the PSL thing. (+2)

6. Be true to yourself.

Live your own life - not the life someone decided is best for you. You will never gain your own respect and you will never feel good about yourself if you aren’t leading the life you want to lead. So if you’re still making decisions based on getting approval from friends and relatives, you aren’t being true to yourself and your self-esteem is lowered.

Bryan says: I like this one too. I have tried both and I haven't found either one successful but living for myself has been a little better. (+1)

7. Talk affirmatively to others and yourself.

Words carry enough power that can either hurt other people or yourself. Similarly, words can generate enough power to give warmth and comfort. So be conscious of your choice of words. Choose affirmative words when speaking with someone.

Bryan says: Say whatever the fuck you want. Didn't the last one say live your life? (-1)

8. Quit blaming yourself for mistakes in the past.

Many things in our lives are only minimally in our control, but those of us who develop low self-esteem take the full blame for the resulting negative outcomes. Instead, learn to honor your efforts and give proper credit for things that you have done well. Following a practical approach for managing your self-esteem will prevent it from becoming a problem and keep you off that rollercoaster.

Bryan says: This is garbage. You can't not (wow double negative) blame yourself because most likely you have been blamed by someone else already. Plus as the king of not dealing with failure well this one no worky (-2)

9. Make a long list of your personal breakthroughs.

Think of times when you did something that you thought that never could do but managed to pull off successfully. These breakthroughs can generate an authentic source of never-ending pride in you. Read this list often. While reviewing it, close your eyes and recreate the feelings of satisfaction and joy you experienced when you first attained each success.

Bryan says: So... doing a hot chick, um... getting real drunk and throwing up on someones shoes, putting it in the 2 hole (female thank you)? Yes I am embellishing but isn't that the point? I hate that interview question about achievements. Everyone can make up one... (+-0)

10. Make a list of your positive qualities.

Not everyone has your unique abilities and talents. Are you honest? Unselfish? Helpful? Creative? Be generous with yourself and write down at least 20 positive qualities. Again, it’s important to review this list often. Most people dwell on their inadequacies and then wonder why their life isn’t working out. Start focusing on your positive traits and you’ll stand a much better chance of achieving what you wish to achieve.

Bryan says: BWHAHAHAHA.. As Dan and I always say, pessimism is a compliment for us. (-2)

11. Figure out the hidden strengths in your so-called weaknesses.

You can’t develop high self-esteem if you constantly repeat negative comments about your skills and abilities. Remember that there is always a positive in every negative if you look hard enough. For instance, you may think of yourself as stubborn, but the flip side is that you’re also persistent and dependable.

Bryan says: I don't have weaknesses, I fucking rock out with my cock out (+-0)

12. Rediscover and reaffirm your personal strengths.

Sometimes you have to take a new inventory on what you like about your looks, smile, body, sexiness, health, personality, and character strengths. Don’t sell yourself short. It isn’t wrong or egotistical to praise ourselves.

Bryan says: see last statement (+1 for egos)

13. Ignore yourself.

Sometimes the real problem isn’t self-esteem at all but a tendency toward over thinking. When you get this feeling direct your focus to other things. Give it a rest already!

Bryan says: First you tell me to have an ego and then ignore it? Fuck enough people ignore me the way it is (-1)

14. Examine your needs.

Some of us need more praise from others than other people do. Some people need to always be accomplishing something, or they feel let down. In other words, it could very well be that you’re ok, but you’re just in a slower activity period right now, so it feels like you feel bad, when you really don’t. Relax, and take it easy!

Bryan says: EXACTLY. I need a bj every single day.. that is my need. (+3 for BJ'S)

15. Accept all compliments with “Thank You.”

Don’t dismiss or ignore them. When you do this you give yourself the message that you do not deserve or are not worthy of praise, which by the way reflects low self-esteem. Respond to all compliments with a simple Thank You.

Bryan says: I'm cool with this (+1).. [but hello, shouldn't you have MANNERS and already know this]

16. Start giving more.

You must give more of yourself to those around you. Because when you do things for someone else, you are making a positive contribution and you begin to feel more valuable, which in turn lifts your spirits and raises your own self-esteem. So next time you see a downcast or downtrodden individual, pick him up from the rut. Share with him the warmth of your helping hand and watch the glow in his eyes.

Bryan says: You know, I tried this, and I still try to practice it but what the fuck happened to giving back to the people that give to you. I am always the person that is there and then when I need something where is everyone else? Following #12 (+-0)

17. Be your own cheerleader.

The energy and enthusiasm of a cheerleader is necessary in order to make the radical emotional changes required to raise your self-esteem. Learn how to enjoy a few minutes of self-congratulations instead of jumping right into the next task as if nothing happened, or dismissing it as meaningless. It does mean something. Being your own cheerleader isn’t silly, it’s smart and contagious.

Bryan says: There is nothing contagious about cheerleading except maybe the clap (-1)

18. Start small and do a task you can accomplish easily.

There’s no faster way to build self-esteem than to add yet another accomplishment to your roster. It always feels good to get something crossed off our to-do list. And it doesn’t necessarily have to consist of monumental accomplishments.

Bryan says: To Do List:

1. Masturbate - check
2. Poop - check
3. see #1

19. Examine the pattern of highs and lows.

Perhaps you’re just in a “praise starvation” mode - it’s been too long since you got a compliment or got to do anything that someone noticed. Or perhaps you started the downward spiral when you said some bad things to someone. It’s always good to remember that self-esteem is a mental construct. So examine your patterns and you’ll know what to do.

Bryan says: Well all I can say is the low is really low for this cat. Hard to examine when there aren't many highs (+-0)

20. Get some exercise.

Exercise can decrease ‘stress hormones’ like cortisol, and increase endorphins, your body’s ‘feel-good’ chemicals, giving your mood a natural boost. If you’ve been focusing on one type of exercise, vary that routine and try a different type. If you don’t exercise, go for a walk. Even the change of scenery will do you good. It also forces your perspective to change a little, and you may see yourself in a better light. Also physical activity itself can take your mind off of your problems and either redirect it on the activity at hand or get you into a zen-like state.

Bryan says: I agree with this.. so more sex.. sweet. Oh wait, the 9 hour drive to get sex probably would negate the good effects. Go to the gym?? RIGHT. (+-0)

21. Take advantage of workshops, books and cassette tape programs on self-esteem.

Whatever material we allow to dominate our mind will eventually take root and affect our own behavior. For example, if you watch negative television programs or read newspaper reports of murders and business rip off; you will grow cynical and pessimistic. On the other hand, if you read books or listen to programs, that are positive in nature, you will take on these characteristics.

Bryan says: Hello! Whats better than being cynical. Watch the news, you don't have a choice to avoid this shit. I don't read and I am not going to see douche bag Dr. Phil. (-2 for making me think of Dr Phil)

22. Take action!

The universe rewards action! When you take action - regardless of the ensuing result - you feel better about yourself. When you fail to move forward because of fear and anxiety, you’ll be frustrated and unhappy - and you will undoubtedly deal a damaging blow to your self-esteem.

Bryan says: no wonder I don't get any rewards.. no action. See this and the exercise one go together. Also I don't fail to move forward b/c of fear and anxiety, I fail to move forward because of assholes and douche bags I deal with every day. Shot out to PittGirl (AND DRINK) for the moving forward reference (-1)

So, like I said Pessimism is a compliment for me. Some of this is sarcasm some of it is true and they probably are right along the same line. I gave this overall article (-5) which isn't as bad as I thought. Who needs self-esteem anyhow.. it is overrated.

Inmate #MLI00028

Yes, it has finally happened. I am now an inmate at the MAGLEV, Inc. Prison. Today I came into work at 9:30.. thank you Viva Pinata. We have "flex time" here but my boss thinks that we shouldn't unless it works to his advantage. So coming in at 7 and leaving at 3 is ok but coming in at 9 and leaving at 5 (not taking lunch on both accounts is not ok). Granted they are both 8 hours worth of work but to him it doesn't matter.

So today they put on the office calendar that I was out until 9:45 but when they leave at 3 it won't be on there.. so now my boss thinks we should have one of these:


thats right folks.. a punch clock. Reminding everyone that we are SALARIED EMPLOYEES. It was bad enough when I had to start blocking websites b/c one person was abusing the Internet but now time clocks.. what is next shackles and chains? I mean come on. God I need to get out of here.

Lumbergh at it again..

Today is simply a random thought day for me. I didn't sleep much again last night and my wits are missing (but what else is new). So every Friday we have this "staff meeting" at 8am where everyone goes around the table and tells what they did for the week. Typically what I say no one ever listens to or really cares because I am a hick from WV that knows nothing and really doesn't have two engineering degrees (I must have made them in Photoshop)... but they suck the dick of whoever in the other building (the shop) did this week. Typically it isn't anything impressive.. they moved some plate they welded some stuff together whatever.. yea let me clap for you. You did a technicians job that I could teach my interns how to do. Anyhow something amazing happened today. One of the guys that works here that I like which is few and far between was talking about a dude from Siemens (he he I said Semen.. yes very slap happy today). The guy was talking about he found us from our website and how great it was and how impressed he was with the site. Ironically I got a phone call from a former co-worker about the same thing last night, he left a long message about how much he liked the site.

Well yea it kicks ass.. I DID THE WORK! No one internally in management has really ever given me a nod for the work I did on the website (www.maglevinc.com). When the employee here mentioned this Lumbergh (see previous post about work) turned around in his chair, rolled back to me (I was sitting behind him) and kicked my foot.

Now I ask, is this some sort of sign that he is happy with the work I did. I was getting ready to pull back and punch him in the face. I wasn't expecting him to come at me like that. Is kicking someone the new management form of good job? I mean I know there is the ass slapping in sports to support someone but I guess kicking is the workplace thing to do. So I think I will just start kicking people when they do something good. I mean it seems like it would be fun. Much more fun than saying good job, you did nice work.. here is a raise.

BTW, if you want the chance to "kick me" hire me to do your website. My work is here. Nothing wrong with a little self promotion.. lets call it the get Bryan out of hell project.

Lets go Pens

For those of you in la la land... the Pens are on a roll 10-0-2 in the last 12 games (22 out of 24 possible points) and are now tied for 4th in the Eastern conference. I have been watching them all year as I do pretty much every Pittsburgh team and they are just simply exciting. If you don't watch them often I suggest turning on the game and watching these young guys go out there and make hockey extremely exciting.

F$*# the Police

So we all remember that NWA song about the beloved Po Po's (singing it in my head as we speak). We all know that they are ego-centric power hungry assholes generally.

Well 'burghers don't show any cop here what the state of West Virginia looks like or you might end up with a nice fat ticket.

Read it here

First amendment what?? oh wait... the President doesn't have to follow the Constitution why should anyone else?

What I am reading .. Google Reader Rocks

So my tech savvyness (geek I guess) lead me to Google Reader. I read countless websites because my job sucks and I really don't have any work to do. But, going to the sites all the time to check out if there are new posts and remembering what I have read etc.. got annoying. In comes Google Reader. What is GR you may ask? Well it is a feed reader that takes RSS (Really Simple Syndication) feeds and displays them all in one sweet interface. It allows you to categorize the feeds and shows just new posts, all posts .. whatever you want basically. Pretty much every website that does normal updating will have a feed.

So, now the great people at blogger have allowed for you to post shared articles from your reader to your blog. So over there ---> you will find my shared items under what I am reading. I added a post I linked in the previous entry from missbitch. Hopefully I remember to click that button to share the articles I like.

Enjoy!

Super Bowl, Commercials, Half Time

So, I thought the SB this year was generally lame as the ball hit the ground as much as a porn star lays on her back in a day. It was just hard to get into this year being one year removed from the Steelers run to the top. I did watch it in Chicago with Bears fans so that was a different experience, unfortunately they didn't win.

The commericals were so terrible this year. I can't think of a worse set of ads for a SB ever. Who would pay that much money for garbage like they are producing. I enjoyed 2, one of which is already pulled from the air. The first one was the Bud Light rock paper scissors. Second is the Snickers commercial. Now why in the hell they would pull that from the air is beyond me. I thought it was quite funny and found it in now way demeaning of the gay community. It is what guys would do whether they were straight or gay(in the closet). I need to consult my gay friends on their feelings but I found it quite amusing.

I have to send the shout out to missbitch for a few reasons. (site linked over there --->)

1. Her rant about the halftime show complaints which is linked above.
2. Her general outlook on things which about 98% of the time I agree with or get a damn good laugh out of
3. Because she is a cool chick that I play darts with and have drank a couple bottles of liquor with on a trip to Philthydephia.
4. Because she posted the perfect pic from the halftime show

Prince is the shit. He had so many songs he could have chosen from but of course I think he had to have them pre-approved. I must say Purple Rain fit in perfectly with the weather. The stage was so sweet.. (I always liked the "symbol) and of course he killed it like he always does. I must say I am not sure what the hell he was wearing on his head for most of the show, but whatever.. he is the man. Plus you have to love those guitars he has... especially when he does that (in the picture). Freaking awesome.

I had a good time at the SB party I went to.. I didn't drink and everyone was giving me a hard time about it, but I just didn't really feel like it for whatever reason and I wanted to let SS drink b/c she hates the Bears (even though she wore a bears sweatshirt). We did make some killer apps though, she made these rollups that were damn good and I made Buffalo Chicken dip which kicked ass.

I am going to end this whole thing with a thought on "location". Yes, I think the super bowl should be played somewhere warm or in a dome. I don't want to see sheets of rain coming down during the game that affects play. I want to see both teams go out and beat the shit out of each other where conditions don't matter. Why don't they just play the game in Arizona at the new stadium ... it is sweet and no worries about weather.

Final grade for SB XLI : C-

Do I speak a different language??

I am having a serious WTF day at work. I have detailed how terrible the place I work is and what idiots we have running the place but it just gets worse and worse. One of the "directors" retired which put my immediate boss in charge of everyone basically. Well hello power trip. He and the VP are attached cock to mouth or ass to mouth (and yes Clerks fan's it is ok with them to go ass to mouth). The management of this place could care less what the employees think. They hire us to be the experts in that particular role yet they know more about welding, IT, computers, scanning.. whatever the hell else we do here than the people that have the degrees and experience. I swear I am going to go postal and pull a Milton and burn the damn place down.

Today is the PERFECT example. My illustrious, early onset Alzheimer's CEO decided that we should have an open house. Why you may ask? I am still asking the same thing after an hour meeting. He actually said that the company needed to buy lunch so people would come to the meeting. HELLO!!!!!! that means no one gives a fuck or wants anything to do with it!! We recently bought an IGM Gantry robotic system for 300,000 bucks so I guess they want to show that off. Why, I still have no clue. We do nothing ... they are trying to label the place as the national center for robotics and automation. We have 6 freaking welding robots.. whooptie freaking doo. Who really gives a fuck about welding robots.. they are lame.

So anyhow during this meeting any time I tried to make a comment the VP that supposedly is on my side argued with me. He is one of those my way is the only right way that exists in the solar system and I am better than God and the greatest Jew walking the earth. See he is a former Steelworker that somehow landed a 150K a year job without a degree. Still will never figure that one out.Also to add in we have ass to mouth who the 'kissee" is best attributed to Lumbergh from Office Space. The guy is a former US Steel exec.. so that says it all. I swear he does the coffee cup moves and everything. As you can see I can name the Office Space people here in a second.


Anyhow.. so I have basically argued some points that are a joke. There is no way we are a national center for anything but pork barrel funding from the government. We just spent 3 million in less than 6 months on NOTHING and only have a robotic gantry to show for it, which by the way will probably not be operational for this full house.

So basically it came down to I said something, they ignored it.. someone else repeated what I said, greatest idea ever. I mean come on.. do I speak in tongues or something? I seriously am just going to stop showing up and see if they fire me or not. I have a feeling they wouldn't, they don't fire anyone. There are people here with 6 formal complaints against them (we only have 16 employees!!) yet they say that the people filing the complaints don't have thick skin, or that is just the way they are instead of FIRING THE ASSHOLE.

I would love to work somewhere when people were treated like humans with brains rather than a piece of steel or a robot. Let me add in the fact that our reviews/raises are now 8 months past due even though they were promised to us months ago. It must be nice to collect a 150k+ check a year and just not give a shit about anyone else.

So it all comes down to me wondering if I speak a different language here than others. I know for a fact I don't speak cock sucking or ass kissing.. so maybe I should just consider myself an illegal immigrant in this "land" of hell.

No creative title today...

That about sums it up .. the creativity that I have now then is not here today.. so what am I going to talk about. Really who knows. I saw that I hadn't posted in a few weeks and I figured I need to start again. Granted this is like the 50th time I have said this.

So some opinions and other info for Friday.

• I still loathe Sluttienna Miller and I just got a great kick out of what my friend missbitch had to say about it
• I don't know who I want to win the super bowl. I am on the whole I want to see Dungy win but Manning choke thing, but I will be in Chicago for it.. so I probably will just stay quiet. It is sad to not be able to say the Steelers are the SB champs anymore after this weekend.
• The PA Gaming Commission released their genius report today stating why they picked Don Bardon's proposal over Isle of Capri (and the FREE ARENA for the PENS). My favorite line is "Pa. gaming board also cites PITG owner's charisma as factor in winning bid" Now can someone please explain to me how charisma = good business person? Fuck I would be a billionaire by now.
  
• The Pens are so much fun to watch. The team is young, exciting and winning again and Pittsburgh is once again a hockey town (for now)
• There is a bill in the PA House to allow for convenience and grocery stores to sell 6 packs of beer. People are flipping out saying that it would make it easier for minors to be able to get beer. I am sorry people, PA is in the stone age on this one. My experience only lies in WV and IL but you can go into the Grocery and get beer, wine and liquor. You can walk in to Sheetz in WV and get a case of beer. PA likes to stick to this commonwealth moniker but it doesn't mean we have to run our govt. like we are still in prohibition!!!
  
• I am now addicted to Google Reader.. check it out. You can take all the RSS feeds of all the sites you visit and have them all in one nice little window. Also tells you when there are new entries on the sites. Pretty nice
• It is going to be fucking cold this weekend. 15 is the highest it gets. That little shit Phil finally didn't see his shadow for the first time since 99. So hopefully this winter will be short lived. I hate winter.
• Headed to Chi-town this weekend....
  
• I work with idiots. I love how the VP has now signed and agreed to an order, I order it, it arrives and he flips out and says he didn't agree yet I have his signature. Not to mention this morning he told me that he asked the purchasing person about giving me permission to order (which I told him she did) and he said that she did tell me that like I was lying to him. It is so obvious why US Steel isn't what it used to be, it has idiots like him running the place.
  

The Next Year....

Today is that fateful day.. the day where my life changed more drastically than I ever could have imagined. I didn't know how I would feel, how I would react when I woke up, or even how I would make it through the day. It hasn't been terrible, I haven't been too upset, even though I did get upset last night. I truly think the loss of my dad will define the better part of the rest of my life.
There was a quote on Grey's Anatomy last night that struck it home to me..

I don't know how I will live in a world where he doesn't.

I thought that said a lot. I still haven't figured it out yet either and who knows when I will. So, the day is about half done .. I slept in a little today. The interview was ok, I can't really get a read on it yet. The good news is Emily accepted my offer and the divorce is going to be finalized. I can finally get some financial freedom by refinancing the house. So at least one step in the right direction.

That is about all I have right now, I am really numb today with words. Hopefully that didn't come across in my interview, but if it did so be it. The guy did comment on how good I dressed so that is always a plus.

Life, Love, Happiness

A new year has begun... I walked into 2007 thinking that this year would be a much better year for me. Last year was just bad.. I don't know how else to put it. Yes, I had some great times last year that I won't forget but at the same time life events have overshadowed those things.

Sometimes I feel like I am being set up. The holidays this year were great. Mom and GMA Mary came up and I hosted XMAS at my house for the first time. SS was here for 9 days and I enjoyed the time we spent together, a fun NYE with a bunch of friends etc.. So I thought wow, this is a great beginning to a new year. A few days later I got a call from the CEO of Vivisimo asking me to come in and talk to him. I was stunned. It is rare that a CEO calls anyone to come in, that is typically left to HR or "managers". I decided to go in and talk to him to see what he has to say. I don't ever feel it is bad to explore my options.

Unfortunately that was the last good thing that happened that has sent things into a downward spiral. By accepting this "interview" SS has broken things off with me b/c the job is here and not in Chicago. Work has been absolutely miserable. My boss was made boss over basically the whole staff except administration and he is on a super power trip and just treating me worse than ever. Next Friday (ironically when the interview is) will be a year since I lost my dad. I am still trying to settle the divorce with Emily. Things are close but we have both been busy and it is hard to get things done.

I just have way too much on top of me right now.. a divorce, my dad, losing what I thought was my second chance on having a happy life, work etc. It is truly melting my brain and turning me into this lump of nothing that is just miserable and lonely.

Honestly when I step back and look at everything, the divorce was not a great moment in my life and for the longest time I thought it would be the event that haunted me forever but when I lost my dad .. that just changed my world. I still am so lost without him, even a year later. I just can't get past him being gone.. I thought was doing better, but I think the fact that the year date is Friday it is just making it worse.. on top of not having him to talk to about all this other shit.

Things with SS have gotten me down too and there isn't much I can do to fix it. It basically comes down to if I want to be with her I have to move. While leaving Pittsburgh looked attractive 8-9 months ago, it doesn't look as so now. My family has all called and basically begged me not to leave. I worry that if I do move I won't be happy and just be going through the motions of life. Yes I do want to be with her, people tell me that I shouldn't want to be by the way I am talked to and treated but I can't help it. She smiles and I smile and not to many people in this world give me that. I really thought she was my "gift" from losing my dad.. something given to me to help ease the pain of loss and a new confidant. I was really hurt when the selfishness fell in that me going to an interview here pushed her into breaking it off with me.

I continually wonder every day.. will I have a good life, will I feel love(d), will I be happy. Right now those things are far far out of reach and I really don't know if I will find them anytime soon.

Happy Holidays

For my 1 .. maybe 2 readers... Happy Holidays.

This should be an interesting and hopefully great holiday season. I am hosting xmas at my house for my mom, grandma, and SS. Then SS is here till the 2nd of Jan so hopefully it is a joyous, fun and relaxing time.

Can I do anything right?...

That is the question I have been asking myself more frequently these days. The year is winding down and hopefully that is a good thing for me because I really need a fresh start. As has been discussed at length, I haven't had the best year... it was well shittastic to say the least. My job has really just beaten me down so much that I really have no idea what to do or know if I could even function in a different job.

I am looking forward to xmas and a break. I am taking the last week off of work which should be a nice relaxing time to spend with Family and Friends and SS. I desperately need it as I just can't stand coming to this hell hole. My upcoming yearly review is going to be bad from what I have been told and unfairly so. I guess my boss has decided to either make an example out of me, make me want to quit, or hold me to this unreachable standard. So, I will get a bad rating and another shitty raise as usual. I don't think any person under 50 yrs old will get any respect here even if they have been working here almost 6 years.

It is really funny to see how people are treated so differently in a company of 14 people. Some people get off scott free b/c that is the "way they are" or "are going through a rough time" but god for bid that I get that same level of treatment. For me it is who cares if his dad died and he is going through a divorce, lets be even harder on him. So I have a feeling by tomorrow I will be either unemployed or only employed for a few more weeks. I am really tired of this place and there is no way that we could ever build MAGLEV with the lack of management here.

Xmas is stressing me out also. I am hosting at my house and I want it to be nice which involves trees and decorating and all that jazz. Well I don't mind decorating, but seeing that everything that I owned holiday related was taken by Emily except for maybe 10 ornaments. So, I have to buy all new crap. So I have a tree, which I am working on fanning out (I never knew artificial took so much work) put my my g-mas village and found some lights that I might put outside. But unfortunately I don't think I am going to be done before this weekend which means I won't be able to enjoy it as much as I would have liked to, but that is how it goes. I hope things go well when everyone is at the house. It is going to be tough enough the way it is without any added stress. I hope it goes well, I just want it to be right and easy on my mom.

I generally think that either I am just cursed or hexed or something b/c things just don't go my way. I know people have it harder than me, but at the same time I find it all relative. Things do not fall in my favor.. well ever. I guess I am hoping that next year will bring new life and new hope and all that mushy jazz. I luckily have Mexico to look forward to. (SS and her parents and I are going on a cruise in March). So I am going to try to focus on that even though it is 3 months away.

one of the vp's said to me yesterday that I need to start being happy. Honestly if I could figure out how to do that I would. I don't even want to hear the shrink stuff b/c it isn't for me. I just don't believe in them nor have they proven anything to me as being helpful. I want to be happy, it is just hard to find that place. Hopefully in 20 years when I look back at this time (as he was telling me it goes way to fast) I will have something to say I overcame to be a better person, but for now my vision is way too tunneled

It has been a long time...

So I have basically taken off 3-4 months I guess from blogging. Why I have no idea. But it is time to start back and start chronicling my crazy life. The holidays are here, the divorce is coming closer to final and things are changing rapidly. While I don't have much to talk about at the moment the past few months have been quite interesting:

• I spent Thanksgiving with a new family
• WVU blew it .. as usual
• Steelers are horrible
• I am once again questioning if I will ever be relationship material
• Dad's memorial bench is in.
• Christmas is going to be at my house
• I am hopefully going to Mexico (maybe) in March
• I will never understand women, ever
• The BCS is lame
• I will never understand why people stay married when they are absolutely miserable
• Why do all the celebs like the flash their poon... drop your rack out, please!
• For the first time in my life I am starting to really question if Love is enough
• I work with idiots
  

thats all I have for now. Hopefully the mood will begin to strike me again to start talking about my life and rants and whatever .....