... but ended good

Wednesday night was a lot of fun as the PSL Cornhole league started. Miss Bitch and I played against 2 good friends of mine and we had a really good time pulling out a 2-1 victory. All the games were close and it was a lot of fun.

Last night I got a phone call about the Pirates game that there might be tickets... well at 6pm Jimmy called me with HOME PLATE CLUB tickets. I have always wanted to sit in this section. We pigged out on the free buffet, sat 4 rows up from the field eye level with the catcher and had a great time. Guy and Jim and I were all in amazement with the seats. Nice thing was that Jim and I had been talking about just buying the tickets and doing it one time, but for Fox Sports to hook us up with them for free was unreal.

We went to Ugly afterwards and ran into AJ. So of course AJ bombs followed... He had a co worker with him that hooked me up with a parking pass at her place in Oakmont!!! I am stoked, I can park right beside the course and not have to take a 20 min bus ride on Sunday when I go to the open.

So this is officially hook up week.

I got free Home Plate club tickets
free ticket to the US Open on Sunday
Free parking

well almost hook up week -> no random sex hookups. I don't think SS would like that.

So hopefully the weekend turns out good.. another bucco game on Sat. with the WVU alumni.

I needed this after all that shit happened earlier... and I am ready for the weekend to start now!

Week started off bad...

So I had to put $400 in brakes and rotors on my car on Tuesday which killed me b/c I finally made a big payment on my CC and was hoping to do that for the next couple months but .. well next month is out for sure.

Then I got home and my washer broke. I couldn't find the paperwork on the warranty so .. I emailed Emily. She responded by calling me. I wasn't really prepared when I saw her number come up, (how could I be) so I answered. We talked, it was awkward but I learned that her Uncle has prostate cancer who I adore. That was pretty upsetting and it is hard to hear of news of former family illnesses whether we are "together or not". I was already upset about everything going wrong that day and it just pushed me further. The end of the convo is what kinda sticks out in my mind (the rest was just this is what is going on etc..) when she said don't be a stranger. I said I don't know if I can do that, which of course made her mad. I just don't think I can be friends with her after everything. I struggle with the obligation that I should be nice, we did have some good years together, but I always do that. Just like I am going to a party tonight just to not make waves within the circle even though I really don't want to go. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I guess in the end it will make things better. I really don't need another Fiona situation on my hands where I have to leave when she shows up places or people treat me differently when she is around (even though I did nothing wrong). I wish I could have less of a conscious or feel less guilt on these things. I make the decision not to talk to people or avoid them but I still feel bad about it...

Just call me Britney Spears

... as in hit me baby one more time. The hits just keep on coming. I went to get my snow tires taken off of my car and my summer tires put back on. The car drives so much better with the summers and the wheels are much better looking. Anyhow, we look and all 4 freaking tires need replaced. So I just got 4 new tires to the tune of $425 bucks.

On top of that the insurance isn't going to cover my car because they think the paint can be taken off with a solvent for $170 bucks.. well my deductible is $250..

Not to mention I will probably end up having to get new brakes or something when my car is inspected. It is due for its 60K maintenance and needs the other accident repaired so I am probably looking at 3 grand in car expenses ... gotta love it. Just when I was catching up $$ wise.

Can someone tell me why I have insurance? I mean I pay them 1400 a year and they won't cover 170 bucks? As Chris Rock said: insurance should be called in case shit and if shit don't happen shouldn't I get my money back??

It happened again

So I don't have a count of how many posts I say "why does this happen to me" but yet again it did. I had my car parked on a busy section of the south side (18th and carson). I was 4 or 5 cars up from carson, across from a parking lot and right beside a bank. I return to my car after the night out and this is what I find.



Yea, real nice isn't it? Someone spray painted my car. I don't understand why this shit happens to me constantly. I am a good person, don't do bad things... (next time I am keeping the $160 for this very reason). But this is why I continually question "religion and god".. why do I keep on getting this shit. Not only do I have to deal with it but it is going to cost me $250 b/c of my deductible. Some fucking punk decided to do this and now I have to pay for it. I have been very calm lately, trying not to let this stuff get to me, but I am at my melting point again. I didn't blow up, I didn't even react which really scares me. I feel I have become numb to the shit storm that I get 24/7 and that is not me at all. Part of me is glad I don't get as worked up but part of me is scared of the numbness. I feel like Ari did last night on Entourage. He went in and fired someone and got back to himself, I just hope I don't "blow up" on someone and get back to my old self. I need a good fight to focus on. Something hopefully political or community based where I don't have to be mad fighting but more fact fighting and working on something I believe in. Hopefully that will center me.

? + Religion + ? + Rambling

(?) - I really don't know what to say about the tragedy at VT yesterday.

(Rambling) - While I LOATHE them when it comes to sports and their backhanded traitor ways, I can not in any way understand this. So first and foremost, my condolences to all Hokies out there. Second I want to say I am proud of the WVU community as they have been in the forefront of condolences from what I have been able to see especially on the hokies sports (scout.com) message board.

(?) - Usually I get upset about stuff like this but it rarely brings me to tears and I still am not entirely sure why. I don't think it was 100% of loss of lives (probably 85% at least).. I think it is more of the shear fact that it happened at all. So unnecessary.. so wrong.

(Religion) - Now this is where it really comes down to for me. I struggle with religion, I always have. I wasn't brought up in a church, hell I didn't even start going until I was with my ex and the only reason I went is I enjoyed the minister, not really the lessons from the bible. I don't sit here as a scientologist (yet) or an uber-religious freak or an atheist .. but I sit here as a person that just doesn't understand.

Do I believe that there is a god.. yes. Do I walk the line on that belief, yes. When my Dad passed, I really questioned things. At that time I was still not understanding what I did wrong to deserve the divorce and then get hit with this. That was over a year ago, and today the feeling is this: I totally understand the divorce and am fine with it, it was the best thing for me.. my life is much better in that aspect where I see much more potential in my "love life" then I did before.. Dad I still don't understand and probably never will. I have talked about that devastation ad nauseum and won't go further into it.

Now this thing has made me start to question again. How can this sort of thing be allowed to happen. What did ANY of those kids in that classroom do to this guy? I don't know about the whole dorm room thing, if something spurred the problem but either way what he did was not necessary. He was wrong, and who knows if we will ever know his motive. Why didn't VT respond after the first shooting, why did "god" allow for 29 people to go after the first 2, why did he allow the first 2. I hope the thought of a plan for everyone is true, but damn... some of these plans suck.

So.. I walk the line again.

Lessons Learned (?)

I tend to be one of those people that "do the right thing" and usually I get hosed in some way by doing these things. Well, this happened again during the trip. SS, VS, DS and I were in the casino and I found $160 on the floor under a stool beside a slot machine that SS was playing. Me being the good person I am and with agreement from SS I turned in the money to the casino. They took my info, thanked me and said to check back to see if it is claimed or not... basically saying I could claim it.

Well I was glad I turned it in, granted 160 would have been a nice down payment on our huge bill but I would have felt bad.

Well I went back the last night of the cruise and they said no one had claimed it but they wouldn't give it to me b/c it wasn't "mine" and to check the reception desk before I left the next morning and they may give it to me there.

Well DS (SS's father) did a lot of the talking for me since for some reason I really didn't know what to say. Anyhow we went to the desk the next morning and they knew NOTHING about the money. So either the casino kept it or... someone there pocketed it.

I am a little disappointed that they kept the money seeing that they make a shit load off of people the way it is. VS (SS's mom) is writing a letter to see if we can get the money.

Part of me thinks that I should have just pocketed the money, but at the same time I would have felt bad. I am just the most upset that they lead me to believe that they would give me the money at the end of the week. I just wonder if I made the right decision...

Life, Love, Happiness

A new year has begun... I walked into 2007 thinking that this year would be a much better year for me. Last year was just bad.. I don't know how else to put it. Yes, I had some great times last year that I won't forget but at the same time life events have overshadowed those things.

Sometimes I feel like I am being set up. The holidays this year were great. Mom and GMA Mary came up and I hosted XMAS at my house for the first time. SS was here for 9 days and I enjoyed the time we spent together, a fun NYE with a bunch of friends etc.. So I thought wow, this is a great beginning to a new year. A few days later I got a call from the CEO of Vivisimo asking me to come in and talk to him. I was stunned. It is rare that a CEO calls anyone to come in, that is typically left to HR or "managers". I decided to go in and talk to him to see what he has to say. I don't ever feel it is bad to explore my options.

Unfortunately that was the last good thing that happened that has sent things into a downward spiral. By accepting this "interview" SS has broken things off with me b/c the job is here and not in Chicago. Work has been absolutely miserable. My boss was made boss over basically the whole staff except administration and he is on a super power trip and just treating me worse than ever. Next Friday (ironically when the interview is) will be a year since I lost my dad. I am still trying to settle the divorce with Emily. Things are close but we have both been busy and it is hard to get things done.

I just have way too much on top of me right now.. a divorce, my dad, losing what I thought was my second chance on having a happy life, work etc. It is truly melting my brain and turning me into this lump of nothing that is just miserable and lonely.

Honestly when I step back and look at everything, the divorce was not a great moment in my life and for the longest time I thought it would be the event that haunted me forever but when I lost my dad .. that just changed my world. I still am so lost without him, even a year later. I just can't get past him being gone.. I thought was doing better, but I think the fact that the year date is Friday it is just making it worse.. on top of not having him to talk to about all this other shit.

Things with SS have gotten me down too and there isn't much I can do to fix it. It basically comes down to if I want to be with her I have to move. While leaving Pittsburgh looked attractive 8-9 months ago, it doesn't look as so now. My family has all called and basically begged me not to leave. I worry that if I do move I won't be happy and just be going through the motions of life. Yes I do want to be with her, people tell me that I shouldn't want to be by the way I am talked to and treated but I can't help it. She smiles and I smile and not to many people in this world give me that. I really thought she was my "gift" from losing my dad.. something given to me to help ease the pain of loss and a new confidant. I was really hurt when the selfishness fell in that me going to an interview here pushed her into breaking it off with me.

I continually wonder every day.. will I have a good life, will I feel love(d), will I be happy. Right now those things are far far out of reach and I really don't know if I will find them anytime soon.

Can I do anything right?...

That is the question I have been asking myself more frequently these days. The year is winding down and hopefully that is a good thing for me because I really need a fresh start. As has been discussed at length, I haven't had the best year... it was well shittastic to say the least. My job has really just beaten me down so much that I really have no idea what to do or know if I could even function in a different job.

I am looking forward to xmas and a break. I am taking the last week off of work which should be a nice relaxing time to spend with Family and Friends and SS. I desperately need it as I just can't stand coming to this hell hole. My upcoming yearly review is going to be bad from what I have been told and unfairly so. I guess my boss has decided to either make an example out of me, make me want to quit, or hold me to this unreachable standard. So, I will get a bad rating and another shitty raise as usual. I don't think any person under 50 yrs old will get any respect here even if they have been working here almost 6 years.

It is really funny to see how people are treated so differently in a company of 14 people. Some people get off scott free b/c that is the "way they are" or "are going through a rough time" but god for bid that I get that same level of treatment. For me it is who cares if his dad died and he is going through a divorce, lets be even harder on him. So I have a feeling by tomorrow I will be either unemployed or only employed for a few more weeks. I am really tired of this place and there is no way that we could ever build MAGLEV with the lack of management here.

Xmas is stressing me out also. I am hosting at my house and I want it to be nice which involves trees and decorating and all that jazz. Well I don't mind decorating, but seeing that everything that I owned holiday related was taken by Emily except for maybe 10 ornaments. So, I have to buy all new crap. So I have a tree, which I am working on fanning out (I never knew artificial took so much work) put my my g-mas village and found some lights that I might put outside. But unfortunately I don't think I am going to be done before this weekend which means I won't be able to enjoy it as much as I would have liked to, but that is how it goes. I hope things go well when everyone is at the house. It is going to be tough enough the way it is without any added stress. I hope it goes well, I just want it to be right and easy on my mom.

I generally think that either I am just cursed or hexed or something b/c things just don't go my way. I know people have it harder than me, but at the same time I find it all relative. Things do not fall in my favor.. well ever. I guess I am hoping that next year will bring new life and new hope and all that mushy jazz. I luckily have Mexico to look forward to. (SS and her parents and I are going on a cruise in March). So I am going to try to focus on that even though it is 3 months away.

one of the vp's said to me yesterday that I need to start being happy. Honestly if I could figure out how to do that I would. I don't even want to hear the shrink stuff b/c it isn't for me. I just don't believe in them nor have they proven anything to me as being helpful. I want to be happy, it is just hard to find that place. Hopefully in 20 years when I look back at this time (as he was telling me it goes way to fast) I will have something to say I overcame to be a better person, but for now my vision is way too tunneled

Reflections

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on life in general with this current re scripting of things. I don't know if it is the fact that things have changed from what I expected my life to be or what. Five years ago I would have never thought I would be without a dad, divorced, not working at MAGLEV, not speaking to my best girl friend etc.. I have always struggled with failure and some of the things that happened really make me feel like I have failed.

I am a change the world type of guy. I can't be that person that comes in to a situation, ignores all the crappy things and doesn't try to change them. Maybe that is the problem? People seem to be much less jaded about their jobs than I do because they just go in and work and come home. They don't worry about the office politics or other people there, they just work and get their paycheck. I have tried to be that person but I just can't. It is so tough to see a dream go down the tubes because of crappy decisions and it just doesn't work for me. Maybe that is where I fail in the corporate world. I see down a visionary path and in Pittsburgh the leaders of most of the companies here see down a tunnel (Westinghouse or US Steel tunnels). I guess I will continue to evolve and learn the whole corp world.

The divorce thing is what it is. She has made decisions that I tend to think she is regretting by what she says but I am pretty certain it will be the best for me. She really likes her job and wants to be that corp. person that I can't be. I think I have found someone better for me now and maybe I can stop looking at that as a failure and start seeing it as a learning experience. I still think she left for stupid reasons but now I don't really care and am ready to move on.

From reading what I already wrote I digressed into subjects I really didn't intend to write about but I guess were on my mind. The real thing I have been thinking about lately is my dad. Saturday was the 7 month mark from his passing and I still am terribly upset. I was a semi-wreck that day between thinking about that and the fact my mom was traveling to Seattle and on to Alaska I was just worried. The 19th has been a bad day for me between Dad's passing and Emily moving out that date just doesn't sit well with me. I am glad that SS was here this weekend to be there for me when I was losing it. She kept me from going overboard with the whole thing. People tell me that it will get better with time but I disagree with that fact. I am still upset, I still want to talk to him. It really bites that I can't call him and tell him about stuff, or talk to him about nothing. He was always my comfort factor. If I was having a bad day I would just call him and bullshit and it would be over. He had a great outlook on life in general and it helped ground me. I have so much going on in my life right now and I really want to be able to talk to him about it. Also my favorite time with him is right around the corner with football season. I so looked forward to spending time with him every Sat. in Morgantown. There is just something so special about that for me. It is going to be so hard to go back there and not see him. I even get upset sitting here writing about it. It is even more difficult this week because my mom is on vacation and generally unreachable and I don't have him to talk to. With a large decision on the horizon, it scares me that I might have to make this decision on my own. I do make a lot of decisions on my own and rarely look for input from my folks and more of acceptance. This time is a little different though as my doubts seem to intensify with job related decisions. I don't know if he ever hears my thoughts, my words or somehow reads this crazy experiment known as my blog but I hope he does. He and my mom have shaped me in many ways and I tend to think I harnessed the best qualities from both of them. I really just wish he was around to spend time with. I really hate the fact I am 28 and I will never be able to talk to him again, or him meet my children (if that ever happens), or see me become president (yea right).. maybe a just a local race to start politics.

I guess what makes the whole thing tougher for me is I see how much my mom is struggling. I can't really talk to her about it because I get upset and then it makes her even more upset to see me hurting. I am really really worried about her and just don't know what to do. I am trying to spend as much time as I can with her but I don't know if it is enough. August 31st is their wedding anniversary and luckily she will be somewhere in Alaska enjoying a vacation, I just hope it doesn't overwhelm her.

I am going to cut this off for now because it I can't be crying at work, I don't need to answer those questions from people nor do I want to. Hopefully my ramblings will continue to help me "grieve" but who knows. It is really tough being alone and while most of the time I embrace it, lately I loathe it. Without dad, SS 7 hours away, my 2 friends here that don't talk to me anymore, and the constant drama that I go through, being alone has been extremely detrimental to my attitude.

Next week is a long vacation and hopefully I can come back refreshed with a better outlook on things. Otherwise it will be a LONG winter.

Fortune Cookies, do they tell the truth?

The other day I got a fortune cookie that read:

A new chapter in your life is being written

Now usually with fortune cookies I take a different route than believing. My dirty mind inserts at the end of each fortune "in bed" now typically this works well because I tend to find the fortunes garbage, but I found one that I think might actually be right.


Why do I think that is the real question because I am a glass half empty kinda guy. I have gone through so much shit over the past 7 months I never thought things would show some hint of turning around. Don't get me wrong, I am not holding hope in this whole life turn around. I have gotten excited and let down too many times to allow for that. So instead I speculate and at least ponder the chance.

So what is being written in this current chapter of my life:

• SS is a total bright spot for me. She is here this week and we finally get to experience some "normal life settings" (I am working these days that she is here)
• I have hired a lawyer and am moving forward with the divorce finally. Seems that Emily and I are even able to discuss this stuff without our lawyers and without fighting. I am hoping that we can resolve this easily and without lawyer arguments.
• I got a phone call about a job I have been waiting to hear about for something like 8 months. They finally got their money and I will find out next Wednesday if I can get out of this hell hole
• The notion that I am leaving is such a great thing. I can't wait till MLI realizes how much work I did here and that they need at least 3 people to replace me. If the new opportunity gives me that great, but either way whenever I find a new job this will make me happy
• Football season is around the corner and I get to watch the defending super bowl champs go for a repeat and WVU go for a National Championship
• Vacations upcoming to Seattle and Heaven's Amphitheater (Gorge) and 2 trips to Chicago
• The possibility of the "A Field" at Mary Lou Retton Park in Fairmont, WV being named after my father, who spent so much time making that field great.
• The Dave Matthews Band continuing its amazing journey and filling up my summer calendar.

So hopefully this new chapter will involve happiness and dare I say love? Who knows if I am capable of that again, but we shall see. I just hope that there is some level of tranquility where I can go through a day and not have something go wrong or worry about something. I wish the same for my mom who is really having a tough go of it. I think my family needs some luck on their side and hopefully this new chapter will not only be written for me but also for the Bond/Yerace family.