Today is that fateful day.. the day where my life changed more drastically than I ever could have imagined. I didn't know how I would feel, how I would react when I woke up, or even how I would make it through the day. It hasn't been terrible, I haven't been too upset, even though I did get upset last night. I truly think the loss of my dad will define the better part of the rest of my life.
There was a quote on Grey's Anatomy last night that struck it home to me..
I don't know how I will live in a world where he doesn't.
I thought that said a lot. I still haven't figured it out yet either and who knows when I will. So, the day is about half done .. I slept in a little today. The interview was ok, I can't really get a read on it yet. The good news is Emily accepted my offer and the divorce is going to be finalized. I can finally get some financial freedom by refinancing the house. So at least one step in the right direction.
That is about all I have right now, I am really numb today with words. Hopefully that didn't come across in my interview, but if it did so be it. The guy did comment on how good I dressed so that is always a plus.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Life, Love, Happiness
A new year has begun... I walked into 2007 thinking that this year would be a much better year for me. Last year was just bad.. I don't know how else to put it. Yes, I had some great times last year that I won't forget but at the same time life events have overshadowed those things.
Sometimes I feel like I am being set up. The holidays this year were great. Mom and GMA Mary came up and I hosted XMAS at my house for the first time. SS was here for 9 days and I enjoyed the time we spent together, a fun NYE with a bunch of friends etc.. So I thought wow, this is a great beginning to a new year. A few days later I got a call from the CEO of Vivisimo asking me to come in and talk to him. I was stunned. It is rare that a CEO calls anyone to come in, that is typically left to HR or "managers". I decided to go in and talk to him to see what he has to say. I don't ever feel it is bad to explore my options.
Unfortunately that was the last good thing that happened that has sent things into a downward spiral. By accepting this "interview" SS has broken things off with me b/c the job is here and not in Chicago. Work has been absolutely miserable. My boss was made boss over basically the whole staff except administration and he is on a super power trip and just treating me worse than ever. Next Friday (ironically when the interview is) will be a year since I lost my dad. I am still trying to settle the divorce with Emily. Things are close but we have both been busy and it is hard to get things done.
I just have way too much on top of me right now.. a divorce, my dad, losing what I thought was my second chance on having a happy life, work etc. It is truly melting my brain and turning me into this lump of nothing that is just miserable and lonely.
Honestly when I step back and look at everything, the divorce was not a great moment in my life and for the longest time I thought it would be the event that haunted me forever but when I lost my dad .. that just changed my world. I still am so lost without him, even a year later. I just can't get past him being gone.. I thought was doing better, but I think the fact that the year date is Friday it is just making it worse.. on top of not having him to talk to about all this other shit.
Things with SS have gotten me down too and there isn't much I can do to fix it. It basically comes down to if I want to be with her I have to move. While leaving Pittsburgh looked attractive 8-9 months ago, it doesn't look as so now. My family has all called and basically begged me not to leave. I worry that if I do move I won't be happy and just be going through the motions of life. Yes I do want to be with her, people tell me that I shouldn't want to be by the way I am talked to and treated but I can't help it. She smiles and I smile and not to many people in this world give me that. I really thought she was my "gift" from losing my dad.. something given to me to help ease the pain of loss and a new confidant. I was really hurt when the selfishness fell in that me going to an interview here pushed her into breaking it off with me.
I continually wonder every day.. will I have a good life, will I feel love(d), will I be happy. Right now those things are far far out of reach and I really don't know if I will find them anytime soon.
Sometimes I feel like I am being set up. The holidays this year were great. Mom and GMA Mary came up and I hosted XMAS at my house for the first time. SS was here for 9 days and I enjoyed the time we spent together, a fun NYE with a bunch of friends etc.. So I thought wow, this is a great beginning to a new year. A few days later I got a call from the CEO of Vivisimo asking me to come in and talk to him. I was stunned. It is rare that a CEO calls anyone to come in, that is typically left to HR or "managers". I decided to go in and talk to him to see what he has to say. I don't ever feel it is bad to explore my options.
Unfortunately that was the last good thing that happened that has sent things into a downward spiral. By accepting this "interview" SS has broken things off with me b/c the job is here and not in Chicago. Work has been absolutely miserable. My boss was made boss over basically the whole staff except administration and he is on a super power trip and just treating me worse than ever. Next Friday (ironically when the interview is) will be a year since I lost my dad. I am still trying to settle the divorce with Emily. Things are close but we have both been busy and it is hard to get things done.
I just have way too much on top of me right now.. a divorce, my dad, losing what I thought was my second chance on having a happy life, work etc. It is truly melting my brain and turning me into this lump of nothing that is just miserable and lonely.
Honestly when I step back and look at everything, the divorce was not a great moment in my life and for the longest time I thought it would be the event that haunted me forever but when I lost my dad .. that just changed my world. I still am so lost without him, even a year later. I just can't get past him being gone.. I thought was doing better, but I think the fact that the year date is Friday it is just making it worse.. on top of not having him to talk to about all this other shit.
Things with SS have gotten me down too and there isn't much I can do to fix it. It basically comes down to if I want to be with her I have to move. While leaving Pittsburgh looked attractive 8-9 months ago, it doesn't look as so now. My family has all called and basically begged me not to leave. I worry that if I do move I won't be happy and just be going through the motions of life. Yes I do want to be with her, people tell me that I shouldn't want to be by the way I am talked to and treated but I can't help it. She smiles and I smile and not to many people in this world give me that. I really thought she was my "gift" from losing my dad.. something given to me to help ease the pain of loss and a new confidant. I was really hurt when the selfishness fell in that me going to an interview here pushed her into breaking it off with me.
I continually wonder every day.. will I have a good life, will I feel love(d), will I be happy. Right now those things are far far out of reach and I really don't know if I will find them anytime soon.
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