Lately I have been reflecting a lot on life in general with this current re scripting of things. I don't know if it is the fact that things have changed from what I expected my life to be or what. Five years ago I would have never thought I would be without a dad, divorced, not working at MAGLEV, not speaking to my best girl friend etc.. I have always struggled with failure and some of the things that happened really make me feel like I have failed.
I am a change the world type of guy. I can't be that person that comes in to a situation, ignores all the crappy things and doesn't try to change them. Maybe that is the problem? People seem to be much less jaded about their jobs than I do because they just go in and work and come home. They don't worry about the office politics or other people there, they just work and get their paycheck. I have tried to be that person but I just can't. It is so tough to see a dream go down the tubes because of crappy decisions and it just doesn't work for me. Maybe that is where I fail in the corporate world. I see down a visionary path and in Pittsburgh the leaders of most of the companies here see down a tunnel (Westinghouse or US Steel tunnels). I guess I will continue to evolve and learn the whole corp world.
The divorce thing is what it is. She has made decisions that I tend to think she is regretting by what she says but I am pretty certain it will be the best for me. She really likes her job and wants to be that corp. person that I can't be. I think I have found someone better for me now and maybe I can stop looking at that as a failure and start seeing it as a learning experience. I still think she left for stupid reasons but now I don't really care and am ready to move on.
From reading what I already wrote I digressed into subjects I really didn't intend to write about but I guess were on my mind. The real thing I have been thinking about lately is my dad. Saturday was the 7 month mark from his passing and I still am terribly upset. I was a semi-wreck that day between thinking about that and the fact my mom was traveling to Seattle and on to Alaska I was just worried. The 19th has been a bad day for me between Dad's passing and Emily moving out that date just doesn't sit well with me. I am glad that SS was here this weekend to be there for me when I was losing it. She kept me from going overboard with the whole thing. People tell me that it will get better with time but I disagree with that fact. I am still upset, I still want to talk to him. It really bites that I can't call him and tell him about stuff, or talk to him about nothing. He was always my comfort factor. If I was having a bad day I would just call him and bullshit and it would be over. He had a great outlook on life in general and it helped ground me. I have so much going on in my life right now and I really want to be able to talk to him about it. Also my favorite time with him is right around the corner with football season. I so looked forward to spending time with him every Sat. in Morgantown. There is just something so special about that for me. It is going to be so hard to go back there and not see him. I even get upset sitting here writing about it. It is even more difficult this week because my mom is on vacation and generally unreachable and I don't have him to talk to. With a large decision on the horizon, it scares me that I might have to make this decision on my own. I do make a lot of decisions on my own and rarely look for input from my folks and more of acceptance. This time is a little different though as my doubts seem to intensify with job related decisions. I don't know if he ever hears my thoughts, my words or somehow reads this crazy experiment known as my blog but I hope he does. He and my mom have shaped me in many ways and I tend to think I harnessed the best qualities from both of them. I really just wish he was around to spend time with. I really hate the fact I am 28 and I will never be able to talk to him again, or him meet my children (if that ever happens), or see me become president (yea right).. maybe a just a local race to start politics.
I guess what makes the whole thing tougher for me is I see how much my mom is struggling. I can't really talk to her about it because I get upset and then it makes her even more upset to see me hurting. I am really really worried about her and just don't know what to do. I am trying to spend as much time as I can with her but I don't know if it is enough. August 31st is their wedding anniversary and luckily she will be somewhere in Alaska enjoying a vacation, I just hope it doesn't overwhelm her.
I am going to cut this off for now because it I can't be crying at work, I don't need to answer those questions from people nor do I want to. Hopefully my ramblings will continue to help me "grieve" but who knows. It is really tough being alone and while most of the time I embrace it, lately I loathe it. Without dad, SS 7 hours away, my 2 friends here that don't talk to me anymore, and the constant drama that I go through, being alone has been extremely detrimental to my attitude.
Next week is a long vacation and hopefully I can come back refreshed with a better outlook on things. Otherwise it will be a LONG winter.
1 comment:
I won't lie to you - it doesn't get easier dealing with the loss of your dad - it will affect you for the rest of your life. But you do draw from his personality and will always feel his presence with you, I promise.
I hope you know you're not completely alone, ever.
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